Anxiety

anx·i·e·ty

aNGˈzīədē/

noun

1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

   "he felt a surge of anxiety"

It's been a year since i felt such anxiousness.  Not ever since I entered the workforce, or ever since I completed all the exams and assignment due dates. That being said, the last time I felt such, I remembered was the day I interviewed for the current company I worked for.  Of course, the same was experienced for all other interviews I attended before this.

And tonight, the feeling strikes again.  That uneasiness, that nauseous + stomachache feeling, they're all back. I'm going to do something I've never done before -  21km half-marathon for the first time ever.  Heck, I've never even ran a fun run or a 10km marathon before, and straight away, shot towards 21km?  I'm definitely doomed.  To top it off, it starts at 3am in the midnight under the chilly night and somehow-feel-like-it-will-rain weather?? This is definitely not good. 

But then, I remembered a quote : "If you want something you never had, you'll have to start doing something you've never done".  So there, this might be a good chance for me to start "exploring" what I've never done before and start doing it/them to achieve something I've never achieved before.

Wish me luck people!  Let's see if I can bring back that finisher medal & brag!!

p/s : nope, writing all these out doesn't ease the anxiety at all.  not even a tiny little bit.  and my hands are kind of trembling by the time I reach here....

Commitment

如果所有事都要百分之百肯定自己做得到才答应，那这世界有很多事都不用做不用想。

If you needs to be 100% sure on everything only then you will commit to it, then there're so many things in this world you wont have to courage to think and to do.

为什么不可以反过来想 – 因为你答应了她，所以你很想尽力做好。

Why not think about it in another way - because you've promised her, that motivates you to do your best.

如果你有一件事你不想做的话，你一定会找到借口。

If you really dislike doing it, you'll always be able to find an excuse for it.

相反，如果那件事你想做，你一定会找到办法。

In contrary, if you really want to do it, you can always find the way.

Something about myself

     Every now and then, I came back to this blog, to express something, to rant etc.  But this time maybe I'll be sharing something about myself here.

     I forgot since when, but the me now, I know myself really hate to trouble people.  If there are something that I need to do and I know I that I can do them myself, then by all means, I will try to do them without bothering anyone or asking others for help.  Sometimes, if I have a choice to pay some extra bucks to have it settled, or to simply ask some friends for help (which would be totally free.  all I had to do is ask, that's all), I would rather choose to pay those extra cost than to ask, even when I know that some of those people will definitely say yes without hesitation.

     So, if one day I come to you and I ask for your help, that means I'm really desperate and I really do need your help and I really can't do it without your help.  If that happens and you know you can help out, please, please consider it really hard and don't turn me down or if you are really unable to help, please tell me honestly why you can't.  Don't give crappy excuses.  As much as I would appreciate the thought that you would want to suggest me somebody else for help or some other methods, please don't.  It's very likely that I've already gone through all those options you're about to suggest.  So really, don't.  An honest answer is all I need if you are to turn me down.

IT Pro? No, I'm a noob too

I don't know since when did people started to turn to me whenever they encounter some problems on their laptop.  Be it malware infection, windows activation, software installation problem, webpage showing weird characters, or even something as small as how to change download directory or how to set default home page...WTF MAN???

I'm not a pro.  I just know some basic stuff that enable myself to survive and make myself a little bit more comfortable with some that IT world out there.  But when I say this to "those" people, their reaction are always the same.  "walau, dun jia jia la", "u very pro dela" etc etc.  Seriously, they never see what a PRO really is.  I know one or two pros myself, but even without knowing them, just by not understanding lots of those technical terms out there are already enough for me to realize, I'm just a noob.

That being said, I lost count of how many times I held myself back when I really wanted to reply them "It's not that I pro, I'm a noob too, it's just that you're too much of an illiterate....

Before finishing up my rant, here's an advice to ALL those people, who tend to ask for help without even trying to solve it yourself first :

USE THAT FUCKING GOOGLE SEARCH FUNCTION OUT THERE YOU MORON! IS IT SOOOOO FREAKING HARD?

Down with a flu

I'm back again, but not in a good condition.  These past 3 days has been extremely terrible, sorethroat + flu.  Running nose for continuous 3 days, non stop except when sleeping.  Sore throat, getting worst since day 1...but now i think i know what has been causing it.  I ate the same stuff the last time i'm struck with such severe sorethroad. So, yeah, i'll NEVER ever touch that dish again, no matter how tempted i am.

Purchased a box of strepsils this morning (pack of 16), its freaking $6.30 for god's sake...damn...finished 8 by time of 8pm and not feeling any better.  geezz....

This is probably the worst flu i've experienced so far in the past decades...normally the running nose will go away after a day when i woke up, but this, 3 days OMFG.  even my philtrum is not bruised because i rubbed it too much when wiping away mucus...

so yeah, this has turned into my ranting blog :D

Naked Ambition

Reading because of the title? you'll be disappointed because its just a movie title. Yes, its a hong kong movie, aired in 2003 starring louis koo, eason chan, nikki chow & jess sum. I'm watching entirely because of nikki & jess.

Its been long time since i've seen you, even your latest movies & dramas i did not watch. But you know that i still love you right? continue the hard work, i'll be supporting you always.

Nikki, I L♥VE YOU!!!

Regret....

I'm starting to feel that I chose the wrong course...main reason? (reason 3 could be boring if you're not in mechanical engineering course)

1. after going through 4 semesters, with 3 big projects in 3 of the semesters, I failed all 3....

2. It seems like i'm not fated enough with all those machineries, especially parts...i'm trying to like them but obviously they dislike me...

3. scanned through the core units that I have to take next year in Third year, there is :

i) Mechanics of solids 2 <- this one still okay, since I'm doing pretty well in mechanics of solids 1 this sem.

ii) System dynamics and control, prerequisite : Engineering Dynamics <- in which i did really badly last sem. i'm terribly bad at dynamics >.>

iii) Fluid mechanics <- still okay, thermofluid this sem is not that hard.

iv) manufacturing Engineering (should be okay seeing the assumed knowledge course & prerequisite)

v) Engineering management <- sort of continuation from Professional engineering 1 (one of the 3 that i mentioned above). furthermore, there will be essays & reports writing!! i'm doomed....

vi) Mechanical design 2 (continuation from mechanical design 1, another one of the 3)....

vii) Materials 2 <- continuation from materials 1 (almost killed by it last sem, next year will have to see that 2-inch-thick-book again....)

viii) thermal engineering <- thermodynamics stuffs, if i were to say, this will be the easiest UoS (unit of study) in sem 2, even though it is really hard to begin with...

In short, it seems like i'll be half dead in the first sem, and completely screwed in the 2nd sem...at this rate, i'm not sure whether i can make it into honours program in the 4th year...don't even say trying to achieve first class....

Ahhhhh I really do regret now...I should have just taken Science, majoring in physics or maybe chemistry although i don't like chemistry as much...or maybe follow my bro to be a pharmacist...damn it, i really hate engineering now.

sorrow of the helpless....

Went out for lunch, without bring my phone along. By the time I got back, there is a miss call notification, and that was already half hour ago. I called back, not knowing what happened, and the first call has those sort of signal disturbance, we can't hear each other clearly. hanged up, and call again. calling failed for like 3 to 4 times, diverted to voice mails another couple of times, i guess she's calling me back at the same time, and that continued for like another 6-7 mins.

By the time the call finally got through with clear sound, she sound so anxious and by her voice, I can tell that she's been crying (and still crying). As she tells me her problem (computer work related), I tried my best providing solution based on what i know, as well as some Googgling. Unfortunately, at the end of the 50 mins conversation, problem could not be solved, and she has to start doing all over again.

I feel terribly sorry and I don't even know how to console her in midst of her panic....guess i'm still inexperienced in handling this kind of situation especially in front of a weeping counterpart. Yes, I will feel extremely bad seeing a girl cry, no matter the reason is because of me or not (of course, I'll feel even worse if its because of me). Even in movies/dramas, seeing the actresses cry made me feel bad.

Even until now, thinking back that she could have been crying for 30 mins before I called her back, I feel really sorry. Especially when I can't be of any help at all...If I could be of any help to her at the very least, I won't feel this bad but now.......I can only hope that she'll be fine soon. God bless her. Sorry for being so helpless.........